Goodbye 2015

DISCLAIMER: This post contains stupidly long sentences, grammatical imperfections and weird use of tenses. I'm sorry, but also not very sorry.

At first glance, I didn't feel particularly like 2015 had been an especially significant year of my life. My Instagram #2015bestnine didn't feel exciting enough to share, and I always feel more like my years end with August and restart in September, so resolutions and reflections just didn't seem like a big deal this December. However (there's always a however), just a few minutes after I started tapping out some thoughts about 2015, I've realised that the last 12 months have seen big changes in my life, even if a lot of them have gone on in my heart alone.

The beginning of the year was weird. Settled into my new life in London and into my role as a trainee youth worker, I was starting to uncover the hard-to-swallow truth that the mental health issues I suffered from in previous years were catching up with me, especially now I was in a vulnerable situation - away from my old friends, my family, my boring little hometown. My self-esteem plummeted as low as when I was a very unwell 14-year-old.

I spoke to one of the wisest people I know. Her words about God taking away our safety nets to take us to the next level of trusting him really resonated with me. We started working on what God says about my identity in him, and about my self-worth resting on that, as opposed to what other people may or may not think about me, what I looked like or how I felt. It was a beautiful thought, and I took it seriously but I didn't honestly believe this notion that I might ever have that kind of self-confidence.

Fast forward a few months. If the beginning of 2015 was the season of being out of my comfort zone in a big way (and frankly watching any sense of emotional security crumble before me), then September was the month of finding my footsteps, a sense of purpose and identity all over again. I moved back to London with a fresh sense of who I was and what I was doing, and miraculously a new confidence in my image in God.

 Autumn was a time of doing what I love, being almost perpetually tired, and valuing integrity. I feel so lucky to be a part of my workplace and also of my community, both of which are amazing. By Winter there was no doubt I felt at home. I've been firmly grounded enough to deal with a (thankfully very brief and mild) 'episode' of seasonal affective disorder as the days got shorter.

This blog post is more for me than it is for anyone else. I set out to chat about my resolution to wear orange shoes in 2016 (more on that another time) and accidentally recognised how amazing God has been in 2015 even in the places I admit I didn't notice him working at all. New resolution - to pay a bit more attention in 2016.